What Was and What Is

I often use to write, be vulnerable, open, honest, etc, etc...but that was a long time ago.  Now my thoughts and feelings seem a constant mess, in a million pieces, with zero ability to piece them together.  I have had fleeting moments of clarity, but those moments truly are fleeting.  What I've come to realize is that putting all those pieces together does not create a very pretty picture.  There is a serious fallen structure that generates my perspective, emotions, and thoughts.  And when this fallen structure, this foundation within, starts coming into focus it's kinda scary. 

Scary because...
1) I'm a Christian.  A Christian raised in the "Church," surrounded by other "Christians" that I've watched and listened to my whole life.  Not something I've come to think of as a great thing.  Now, am I grateful my parents took me to church and introduced me to Christ?  Absolutely, without question.  But how sad am I to realize some 20 something years later the huge absence in understanding the Gospel's meaning on my life.  For a kid who started going to Sunday School before she could utter a single word, and to not realize the impact Christ's death on the cross has on her life til almost 25 years later is incredibly sad to me.  

2)  I'm a 29 year old "Christian" who has led Bible studies, been a leader with the church in many capacities, as well as traveled to parts of the world telling people about Jesus.  I probably should have a bit more of a grasp on the death and resurrection of Christ, and the Father who sent Him.  Well, turns out I am missing more than a few pieces.  Not that I ever got to a point I thought I had it figured out, but I certainly didn't realize how much I was missing.  Humbling to say the least.    

3)  It's a very lonely place.  Not so lonely if you're under the age of 16 or a new believer who's hardly been in a church or opened a Bible.  People expect you to have questions, doubts, and be confused.  But it has seemed as if because of the previous mentioned "resume" within the church, there's a little less room to have those same questions, doubts, and confusion.  I have been in serious breakdown mode the last couple years, with some seriously not pretty stuff surfacing.  It's been rough to say the least.  The characteristics of God and His Son have been a HUGE source of confusion and frustration for me.  And honestly, makes perfect sense if you take a second to realize maybe I really never understood, I mean truly know what the Gospel and Christ's death on the Cross means for my life.  Very few have seemed a safe place to go.   

So, I find myself starting over, ground zero.  I have discovered in the last couple years how completely and totally off my views on God are.  We're talking big time miss the mark.  And when you start piecing together what you REALLY think of God, with complete honesty, knowing you've been "in the Church" all your life, that can be a scary, humbling, and lonely place. 

This post really has no conclusion, happy ending, or little nugget of wisdom to take with you. It's been two years now of allowing myself to be honest with myself, God, and very few others.  But  I am making my way through.  Hoping to make good choices and get to know God better than before.  This time stripping myself of everything but what He feels necessary.

And you know what, there is one thing I will add here at the end.  Be someone who allows for ugly, scary, real honesty.  Don't try to fix or change them, and please don't judge or look down upon them.  Just listen and love.  God is working.  If there's one thing I've seen shine through more than anything the last couple years is God is big enough, bigger than you.  Promise.    

Seasons & Ruts

I read on a blog recently...

"You're never stuck in a season; you're always stuck in a rut."

This was actually his concluding statement for that particular short post.  What preceded this conclusion was:

"Seasons come and go. We can endure them and lean into them because we know they're fleeting. Ruts aren't so friendly.

If you "lean-in" to a rut, you'll only go deeper. They aren't self-correcting.

You can't get out of a rut on your own. Someone has to pull you out." 

I read this over more than a few times, perplexed by it's simplicity.  I didn't get it.  I bounced this thought around with a close friend, and she too was intrigued by it.  I've been meaning to email him on this, and I'm pretty confident blogging about it will compel me to send that email.  

Any thoughts...seasons & ruts?  

Some of my favorite things right now...

1. TENNIS! Travis and I are playing a lot of tennis right now.  Not claiming will be signing up for the Wimbeldon soon, but we're having fun all the same.

2. Sharkies.  We sell these at my club, and I want to eat them all the time!! There so delicious!!

 

3.  We go to the local farmers' market every Saturday to pick up our LOCALLY grown fruits, vegtables, and meats.  They are wonderful! (and even better, pesticide free!!)

4. Rhonda Allison skin care line.  My esthetician back home, the fabulous Sara, suggested it to me, and I am in LOVE with it.  It all smells heavenly! And GREAT for your skin.

5. Roadtrips.  Travis and I are trying to go and see as much as we can right now.

6.  Ms Miranda Lambertt! Love her

 7. Travis Jones.  We laugh all the time, cook amazing food, and are learning more and more about this crazy walk through life with God. 

New Stuff

It's been so long since I've done one of these posts, that I thought I would give y'all a glimpse into what I'm rockin these days.  Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, silence has been pretty refreshing as of late, so the list isn't as long as usual. AND, I'm kinda sad to say there's nothing really cutting edge and/or new on this list.  BUT, good music all the same.  Would love to hear what some of you are listening to these days...(if there's anyone still out there!)

1.  Miranda Lambert is pretty much a staple to my daily sing-your-heart-out moments.  I've been able to hear her live a couple times, and she is by far one of the most fun entertainers ever!  There really isn't a bad track on her latest album.  My favs are: Heart Like Mine, Love Song. The House That Built Me, Makin Plans, Only Prettier...again, pretty much the entire album.

2.  Mat Kearney is amazing.  Any and everything, check him out.  Haved loved his latest album, City of Black&White, for the last year.  Fire and Rain, New York to California, and Closer to Love.  Count on being able to listen to this album cover to cover.

3. Joy Williams was originally under a Christian label, but parted ways in 2005.  She had a couple songs then that I loved.  She recently went out on her own, and her new stuff is pretty good.  Very folky and fun.  She has a few EP's out. Check out One of Those Days, The Look of Love, Doesn't Get Better Than This, and One of Those Days to name a few.

4. Ingrid Michaelson always has some good stuff.  Really like her new single All Love and Maybe Love from her Everybody album.

5.  Another fun artist is Katie Herzig.  Beautiful Inside and Where the Road Meets the Sun are two great songs from Katie.

Mr and Mrs Caleb Joseph Ward

This past weekend my brother, Caleb, got married.  Still crazy to me he's married, but couldn't be happier for the two of them!  Our weekend started in the wee hours of the morning Friday as Travis and I headed to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  I had been to Pennsylvania before, but only to Philadelphia.  Turns out, we got to see A LOT Of Pennsylvania last weekend.  I think, besides getting married, part of their goal was to let their out of town guests see as much of the state (and West Virginia I might add) as possible!  It was a ton of fun, and great time with family.  Enjoy the pictures!

  

Times...they are a changin'

Sooooo, I decided to blog a bit.  There are many reasons for the lack of communication, but none really worth noting, nor do I really want to take the time to go through that list.  Let's just leave it at a long, much needed break.

Lots of changes in my world.  Most everyone reading this is, no doubt, in the world of Facebook, so many may already know most of my changes. AND, if you haven't been to my facebook in awhile, I'm sure reading that will provoke you to stop reading and hop on over to my page and bypass the rest.  Be my guest.

I'm now 5 days out from moving on to my next adventure, Austin, Texas.  The glorious state capitol of the Promise Land.   It's a great city, full of history, culture, and maybe a hint of some crazies ;-).  BUT, absolutely beautiful country.  Why Austin?  Well, there's a few reasons, but will be honest and say the catalyst in the move was Mr Travis Jones.  It's been about 8 months now of friendship, learning, and lots and lots of laughter.  Never in a million years saw this one coming, but definitely glad he came!!  I will be training for 24 Hour in Austin right on UT campus as well as helping out with a volleyball club for JO's.  It should be a lot of fun.  It seems door after door has opened up to make this move as smooth and as easy as possible.  Very grateful for all He has provided.

I'll go into a bit more detail of my life the past 8 months, but for now here's the part everyone loves the most...the pictures.  We start with Thanksgiving, skeet shooting and homerun derby with the fam, Travis turns 30 in Vegas!, snowy days in Texas, the state Capitol, and Miranda Lambert concert on the river! Enjoy!

Praha Love

Sooo good to be back, and in many ways feels like I never left. Staying with two of my favorite people ever, and have already shared a ton of laughs. It's going to be a great week...

When the going gets tough...

So, I came across this as I was going through my blogroll the other day.  It's from the Desiring God blog.  (You should check it out)  Really hit home for me, and wanted to share it.  Pray it's encouraging and leads you to the harder, sweeter path.

Did you wake up not feeling like reading your Bible and praying? How many times today have you had to battle not feeling like doing things you know would be good for you?
While it’s true that this is our indwelling sin that we must repent of and fight against, there’s more going on.
Think about this strange pattern that occurs over and over in just about every area of life:

• Good food requires discipline to prepare and eat while junk food tends to be the most tasty, addictive, and convenient.
• Keeping the body healthy and strong requires frequent deliberate discomfort while it only takes constant comfort to go to pot.
• You have to make yourself pick up that nourishing theological book while watching a movie can feel so inviting.
• You frequently have to force yourself to get to devotions and prayer while sleeping, reading the sports, and checking Facebook seems effortless.
• To play beautiful music requires thousands of hours of tedious practice.
• To excel in sports requires monotonous drills ad nauseum.
• It takes years and years of schooling just to make certain opportunities possible.
• This goes on and on.

The pattern is this: the greater joys are obtained through struggle and pain, while brief, unsatisfying, and often destructive joys are right at our fingertips. Why is this?
Because, in great mercy, God is showing us everywhere, in things that are just shadows of heavenly things, that there is a great reward for those who struggle through (Hebrews 10:32-35). He is reminding us repeatedly each day to walk by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).
Each struggle is an invitation by God to follow in the footsteps of his Son, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:2).
Those who are spiritually blind only see futility in these things. But for those who have eyes to see, God has woven hope (faith in future grace) right into the futility of creation (Romans 8:20-21). Each struggle is a pointer saying, “Look! Look to the real Joy set before you!”
So when you don’t feel like doing what you know is best for you, take heart and don’t give in. Your Father is pointing you to the reward he has planned for all who endure to the end (Matthew 24:13).

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

Honesty

Many of you know I’m, typically, one of the most open, real people you’ll meet.  I absolutely love honesty…just being up front and real with any and everything.  I think it’s essential in most all relationships.  I love the same quality in authors I read.  Donald Miller is one of those authors.  I know many of you have read Blue Like Jazz.  Some people love Miller, and some not so much. Either way, I find him incredibly real and raw in this book. He talks about things and admits things I think many of us are afraid to admit.  Vulnerability is such a button for emotions.  It can make you feel as free as a bird and as uncomfortable as sitting next to a live snake all at the same time.  I love it. 

In this book, Miller talks about vulnerability in a horizontal and vertical direction.  Vertical in the sense we are built to connect with people.  Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually.  This requires we take down walls, and allow ourselves to be naked and bare to others.  This can be a really frightening thing, especially if we have experiences in our past that have ended with rejection and/or hurt. At the same time, we have an even deeper need to connect with the one true God of this world.  This is the horizontal aspect.  Here’s where authenticity is vital, and often times most difficult.  For those who have been around the church scene for any significant amount of time, you have probably been surrounded by many of these people, many “white-washed tombs.”  In fact, I could have been one of them at some point.  They look great on the outside, but dead and empty on the inside.  Too afraid to question or have doubts.  The thing is, God already knows we are having those doubts.  He’s just waiting for us to be real with Him, and lay it all out there.  He loves when we do this.  It’s as if He’s saying, “Finally, something I can work with. Finally what you’re really thinking.”  The most freeing times in my walk are the times I’m having an completely real and open talk with God.  Baring it all: anger, sadness, disappointment, the list goes on. So, I ask you and myself...how honest have you been with your Maker lately?  Trust that He is bigger then all our doubts, fears, anger, sadness, and any other emotion you can think of...

U2

Simply amazing...