What Was and What Is

I often use to write, be vulnerable, open, honest, etc, etc...but that was a long time ago.  Now my thoughts and feelings seem a constant mess, in a million pieces, with zero ability to piece them together.  I have had fleeting moments of clarity, but those moments truly are fleeting.  What I've come to realize is that putting all those pieces together does not create a very pretty picture.  There is a serious fallen structure that generates my perspective, emotions, and thoughts.  And when this fallen structure, this foundation within, starts coming into focus it's kinda scary. 

Scary because...
1) I'm a Christian.  A Christian raised in the "Church," surrounded by other "Christians" that I've watched and listened to my whole life.  Not something I've come to think of as a great thing.  Now, am I grateful my parents took me to church and introduced me to Christ?  Absolutely, without question.  But how sad am I to realize some 20 something years later the huge absence in understanding the Gospel's meaning on my life.  For a kid who started going to Sunday School before she could utter a single word, and to not realize the impact Christ's death on the cross has on her life til almost 25 years later is incredibly sad to me.  

2)  I'm a 29 year old "Christian" who has led Bible studies, been a leader with the church in many capacities, as well as traveled to parts of the world telling people about Jesus.  I probably should have a bit more of a grasp on the death and resurrection of Christ, and the Father who sent Him.  Well, turns out I am missing more than a few pieces.  Not that I ever got to a point I thought I had it figured out, but I certainly didn't realize how much I was missing.  Humbling to say the least.    

3)  It's a very lonely place.  Not so lonely if you're under the age of 16 or a new believer who's hardly been in a church or opened a Bible.  People expect you to have questions, doubts, and be confused.  But it has seemed as if because of the previous mentioned "resume" within the church, there's a little less room to have those same questions, doubts, and confusion.  I have been in serious breakdown mode the last couple years, with some seriously not pretty stuff surfacing.  It's been rough to say the least.  The characteristics of God and His Son have been a HUGE source of confusion and frustration for me.  And honestly, makes perfect sense if you take a second to realize maybe I really never understood, I mean truly know what the Gospel and Christ's death on the Cross means for my life.  Very few have seemed a safe place to go.   

So, I find myself starting over, ground zero.  I have discovered in the last couple years how completely and totally off my views on God are.  We're talking big time miss the mark.  And when you start piecing together what you REALLY think of God, with complete honesty, knowing you've been "in the Church" all your life, that can be a scary, humbling, and lonely place. 

This post really has no conclusion, happy ending, or little nugget of wisdom to take with you. It's been two years now of allowing myself to be honest with myself, God, and very few others.  But  I am making my way through.  Hoping to make good choices and get to know God better than before.  This time stripping myself of everything but what He feels necessary.

And you know what, there is one thing I will add here at the end.  Be someone who allows for ugly, scary, real honesty.  Don't try to fix or change them, and please don't judge or look down upon them.  Just listen and love.  God is working.  If there's one thing I've seen shine through more than anything the last couple years is God is big enough, bigger than you.  Promise.