Back To the Basics

So, here it is. It's been awhile since I wrote what was going on in my world...I mean what is really going on. I'm not completely sure why I have been staying away from anything deep and personal, but have a few guesses. I just haven't felt like opening up and sharing the deep, dark with my computer screen. I have definitely hit a place of serious doubt and questioning. Either I've been seriously off, or perhaps the straight and narrow just gotten a bit more narrow in the last few months. I'm just tired of all the Christian cliches out there. Tired of passively knowing all the cute little Bible stories, and ready to really KNOW the God of the universe. And let me tell you, it's not the easiest thing in the world. Definitely humbling finding yourself asking/doubting the basics. Now, not hard in the sense that life sucks and there's no hope (although there are days life kinda sucks ;0) ). I think it's the fact I do have such hope that it's been so hard. See, I know there is only way to true change and redemption. I know there is only one person that is capable of providing the grace and love I so deeply need. And knowing there is only one is honestly a bit frustrating. Isn't there anyone or anything else that can come to my rescue? Anyone/thing that can make things better? Unfortunately not. I can try to find someone/something else, but it will just bring me back to the point I am today. BUT this is the thing...no matter how hard things are...no matter how deep the hurt and pain, I KNOW one day I will have true restoration. I know there will come a day when I will fully trust God, and I will be able to rest more and more in His endless love...BUT, today it's just not there. Today, I am just trying to make it each hour of each day...trying to believe and know I can trust Him. That's just being honest.

There are times it's hard to be wrestling with this stuff. Our "Christian" environments aren't always conducive to asking real, simple questions. People look at you with blank stares that can make you feel a bit ridiculous. But I am pretty ridiculous, so I'm good with that. You just get to the point where you have to let go, and admit you may have missed a thing or two (or three or four). Admit that I've been trying do to it in my own strength and knowledge. He's bringing me to the end of me and the beginning of Him...all Him. And it's been HARD. Totally turns everything upside down, and shakes everything up. All the "stuff" we learn and store in our head is great, but really is without value if we don't let it touch and saturate our hearts. I'm finally asking real questions. Simple, honest, basic questions.

As hard as things are right now, I wouldn't trade it for the world. You know why? Cause I am getting to know the Father in ways I have never known before...real ways. There are lots of tears, lots of hurts, and lots of pain, but I know it will all be worth it...that it is worth it.

I pray you have the courage and strength to ask the hard questions. To know there is nothing wrong with admitting you are a big, fat mess. To let go of the mountains of head knowledge, and let it make it's way to your heart. Because that's where you really begin to know Him.