Confessions and love…

A bit dramatic of a title I know…but I’m feeling a bit dramatic, or at least entirely deep and introspective. So, it’s 20:16, and I’ve been fighting the desire to go to sleep for at least an hour. I just got off the sleeping pills in effort to try and get back on the good ol’ Eastern European time zone. Like I told my boss this morning, “I think I’m officially drug free,” meaning- no more sleeping pills. Lastnight I was able to go to bed at a normal time (after watching the Patriots handle the Chargers), and slept through the night…without pills! Thank the Lord it only took a week to get use to the time change!

Welp, here’s the confession part…many of you know I need to make a decision on what I intend to do with my future…or at least where I’m going after June. Why June? Well, June is “officially” when my time here in Prague is done. There has been serious talk of me staying over here longer…3-5 years longer, but possibly with another organization. I’ve stated my desire to go to grad school, coach at the college level, and a few other ideas, but I guess the first two are the main two. In any case, I have been anything but committed to prayer on this topic. I know, I know…I said this was confession time, so don’t judge! To be honest, I have no idea why I’ve been neglecting prayer, and God for that matter with all this. I have certainly been proactive in recruiting others to pray for me (and thank you to so many of you who have and are!), but just haven’t been on my knees like I need to be. Maybe I’m scared…or procrastinating…testing God perhaps…waiting for some super divine moment where He spells it out for me in a dream…I have no clue. All I know is I think I’m ready to pray…

So, on to love…no, I’m not about to report any new “developments.” (Sorry Mom, Joe, Dad, Lisa, and the rest of my family) I started reading Soul Cravings, and came across a chapter that totally and completely resonated with me. If you have the book and want to get a glimpse of me, go to entry 9…pretty scary how accurate it is, honestly. Some out there have unfortunately experienced this firsthand, I’m sorry and know that had I read this book before, it would have been a prereq to dating me…God has recently been showing me how much deeper my trust issues run. I’ve always known I’ve had serious trust issues, but God is now revealing how much deeper they penetrate into my life. A bit frustrating, honestly, how much of my life is impacted by this.

McManus gives me some hope after reading this chapter. It sounds like McManus married someone with similar patterns that I have. His now wife, Kim, had abandonment issues. Her parents abandoned her when she was younger (not that I was completely abandoned when I was younger, but divorce is a messy, messy thing with unfortunate consequences.) The time leading up to their engagement he describes as “both wonderful and volatile.” Now, I’m not advocating the volatile behavior they were experiencing, but it did causd him to sit down and get to know her…on a deeper level. He goes on to write:
“Abandoned by her parents at the age of 8, she grew up in a foster home. She was sure that I would do the same thing. I would eventually come to my senses and get out of the relationship. She knew it wasn’t possible for me to love her unconditionally, and she was going to prove it. Sometimes the thing we want most, we fear the most.”

He has a bunch of other great stuff in there, but I’ll leave that for you to read. Last thought I want to share (if you’re still reading) is his comment on conditional/unconditional love…
“…and I learned over the years that we’re all actually far more comfortable with conditional love than unconditional love…The truth of the matter is that we’re uncomfortable with God. We’re disoriented by the way He loves. We want God to love us for an endless number of good reasons.”

Isn’t it sad how true that is? It is SO much easier for me to be loved for a list of reasons. I mean, there’s logic in that, right? Somehow there’s comfort in knowing there are reason why someone loves me. With unconditional love it totally requires trust (ah, and we come full circle…back to trust). Loving unconditionally and allowing myself to be loved unconditionally takes boldness and trust. If only I could wrap my mind around and take rest in knowing He loves me unconditionally, wholly, completely, with no end…oh, how nice that would be…